Cycle Day 50. At this point a woman with a normal cycle and functional ovaries would probably have taken a pregnancy test and gone to see a doctor, either because she is pregnant or to try to find out why she hasn't gotten her period. But a woman with PCOS doesn't have it so easy. My last three cycles have been 33-37 days long, oddly regular for me. I liked it. I can handle almost-regular. It keeps me from going crazy, thinking I might be pregnant, even with full knowledge of my lack of functioning ovaries. This is the misery that is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.
It's a mix of fear, hope and annoyance. A mix of feelings that I have dealt with since I was 17 and found out that I have PCOS. When I was 18 I went five months without a period, while on the pill. I was terrified, but after a few tests I knew I wasn't pregnant. Over the years I've had plenty of scares, like many women do. The difference was that I knew the possibility of me having an accidental pregnancy were pretty slim.
When my ex-husband and I were trying to get pregnant, I found out that I don't ovulate on my own. But I kept up serious hope that it would happen. I peed on a gazillion sticks, spent a bunch of money on an ovulation tracker gadget, took my temperature every morning, did three cycles of Clomid, tried herbal ways to help me ovulate, and just about anything else you can think of. I drove myself crazy, even with full knowledge that I couldn't get pregnant. Now, I don't want to get pregnant, but I'm constantly convincing myself that maybe I ovulated, maybe I'm pregnant. It's a giant game of "maybe" and it's not doing a damn thing for me.
Today I decided that maybe I should pick up a pregnancy test. Why? Because this cycle is much longer than the last few have been, I've had a couple days of queeziness the last couple weeks, I've convinced myself that I'm peeing way more than I usually do, I'm breaking out, I've been more tired than usual, my appetite is all wacky, and my mood has been all over the place. So, of course, all of that together means "OH MY GOD, I'M PREGNANT!", right? Maybe for some, but it shouldn't for me.
I know that the long, irregular cycle is simply because of my PCOS. I know that the queeziness and feeling "off" is probably because I'm obsessed with Dunkin Donuts' Pumpkin Lattés and have been drinking one almost everyday for the last couple of weeks, along with a Mtn Dew, and I really don't respond well to caffeine. I always pee often, and I know that if I actually am going more than before it's because of the caffeine and suddenly drinking more water. I know that I'm breaking out because while I'm using basically the same face wash as I usually do, right now I'm using a different version (liquid soapy type instead of the cream wash). I know that I'm tired more than usual because the caffeine I've been drinking makes me fidgety for a bit and then pretty much knocks me out. I can blame the appetite change on eating very late dinners and the caffeine upsetting my stomach. And my mood? Well, who knows.
I KNOW that the caffeine is pretty much to blame for my thinking I may be pregnant. I also KNOW that my PCOS never wants to cooperate and make life easy for me. Do I dream of someday having my ovaries work and having children? Yes. Would I be thrilled if that day were now, even though I know my boyfriend and I are in no place to have children? Yes. But I'm a smart girl, and I know that's not the case. But, every cycle I have that is longer than the last gets my mind racing. Have I looked to find out when I would be due if by some miracle I were pregnant? Yes (early July).
Why do we torture ourselves like this? I know how important it is to know my body, and I've gotten to know it pretty well. I know I didn't ovulate. I know it was really odd for me to have three very similar cycles in a row, so I know that I'm due for a totally wacky one. PCOS is evil. Evil I tell you! Not only does it mess with our bodies in ridiculous ways that make us self-conscious (unwanted body/facial hair, anyone?), it gives us a truckload of dangerous health issues (high EVERYTHING), it gives us large bellies that already make us look pregnant, it messes with our minds ("Did I ovulate? Was that an ovulation cramp? OMG!", "Hmm, long cycle, am I pregnant? OMG am I pregnant?!") and more than anything it messes with our hearts. I know that my whole life, through my many changes in career dreams, the one dream that stuck was being a mom. At 17 I found out that might not happen. At 24 I found out that if it were to happen, it will probably end up being very expensive and impossible for me. At 26 I realized I have to start accepting that it will probably never happen, and I would have to learn to redefine the woman I want to be, because PCOS has taken my one solid dream away from me. At 27, I'm growing more and more comfortable with this new definition of Rachel that I'm working on, but I am still freaking out because PCOS is holding my period hostage. My PCOS has defined me, and that's not okay.
